“And if you can, understand, you might not come
back … “
Ambroy Dukes, from Journey to the Center of your Mind, 1968
How I loved that song almost 45 years ago,
between the 10th and 11th grades …
Arrival, Departure
I began meditation practice @spring equinox, 2005. Five years later I
retired from “work” as a PhD statistician, just before my 58th
birthday, and subsequently wrote three “blogs” between October 2011 and August 2013:
b.
ScreenHeads
Not really “typical” blogs so much as collections of sporadic,
creative essays interlaced with conventional photos and digital art.
I wrote these blogs because I had something to say and the ability to
say it well, whether or not anyone else would ever read or get it. A few did,
not many, but I sang my song, encouraged others to sing theirs, and am
satisfied (in the way of Emerson, see his seminal essay Self Reliance).
Come August 12, 2013, the saying was said; I had arrived. Today, a
month later, September 9, 2013, I embark upon a new journey from which I might not come back: a journey to the
Other Shore. The ironic and frightening twist is that if this journey
succeeds, I might not be able to come back or share my findings, even should I
want to.
Slave to my Strength
We all have “special” perspectives and talents, each and every one of us, though a great many (perhaps a majority?)
are unaware of, or tend to deny or discount theirs.
I, on the other hand, am acutely aware of my strengths, because they are also
the powers that blind me; diminish me; bind me: the powers of language and
analysis - I have been their slave.
Obviously language and analysis are useful, and many might wish to be more
articulate, discriminating, subtle, analytical, etc. But words, and ideas that
can be expressed in words or derived through word-based reasoning, have a dual nature: yes, they
convey meaning, but simultaneously veil, distort, and obscure “deeper” truths
and experience which reside only at the Other Shore. This can be a hard
concept to grasp, let alone fathom, though it is blatantly obvious to those who
have practiced meditation for some years [see the Zen Clock photo-essay To See Without Saying].
This new Journey to the Other Shore is a quest to escape preoccupation
with language and analysis - an intriguing, yet for me a somewhat frightening journey. This is because,
while most others are not so preoccupied, there is still so much they can do
that I cannot - while language and analysis, in their positive aspects, have
been my friends; have served me; have distinguished me; have identified me.
The Fears
1.
If I am successful
in this quest, who will I then ‘be’?
2.
Should I want to
“come back” midway or later, will it be possible, or will my verbal and
analytical gifts have irreparably atrophied?
The answer to #1 is “I will ‘be’ that
that I am,” with the quotes around ‘be’ signifying that the question itself,
from a Buddhist perspective, is problematic – an instance of words obscuring
deeper truths. And the answer to #2? I have no idea.
Still, for me today, this is the
ultimate journey ...
Bon Voyage
Stop thinking when it is not necessary. See
without saying. Stop writing blog posts. Unplug from email and Facebook. Seek direct, immediate experience, unmediated
by language.
Sail closer and closer to that non-verbal shore…
NOTE:
NOTE:
This quest was rather quickly abandoned, many times. Three+ years later now I head out once more...
The good news is I did a tremendous amount of productive, worthwhile work in the interim... but crave letting go of that activity now more than ever.
If you should happen to run across this, I would welcome a phone call, but please do not send email or Facebook messages, I really want Cyberspace to be my distant memory, someone else's world.
"May the wind be always at your back..."
ReplyDelete